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After Jonghyun's sui.txt~

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After Jonghyun's suicide, I've often read comments on YouTube or several Aminos saying:
"I'm angry/sad Jonghyun killed yourself."
"We, Shawols failed to save you"
"I wish I were here to comfort you"
And here are the mean comments of people ignoring everything about depression :
"He wasn't sad, he smiled and laughed"
"He didn't act in the MV "Lonely", he was really sad"

A lot of us are still grieving Jonghyun but some of us are also angry,  guilty or just can't understand his final gesture.
That's why I'd like to speak about depression and suicidal ideation. I've never met him and I don't know him personally but as a girl who suffered then recovered from depression 13 years ago, I think I can try to describe the struggles Jonghyun had with this awful disease. 

The main and the most unbearable symptom of depression is sadness. Pathological sadness by the way. This kind of sadness isn't the same you feel when you're sad due to the loss of a loved one or because of love breakups.
Pathological sadness is similar to "normal" sadness in the way both of them are feelings you don't want to feel. 
When you're sad you do know why but when you're depressed you don't know why. When you're sad you know that it won't last long when you're depressed you just know that you feel an awful sadness that you know is not normal at all and you don't know when or if it will stop. This pathological sadness is absolutely awful, unbearable and overwhelming.
Nevertheless, there are short periods of respite, sadness is here but less noticeable and a depressive person can smile, laugh and have little moments of joy even if it never lasts. That's why we saw Jonghyun laughing on TV shows or having fun with his colleagues.

Other than sadness, depression is always accompanied by diverse mental and physical symptoms. 

Jonghyun suffered from insomnia, he couldn't sleep even if he was tired.

He lost his appetite. Moreover as he was petite, he tended to not gain weight easily. So he lost weight. He also lost his muscle mass because he might not have the courage to work out at the gym. Trust me, you absolutely have to be physically and mentally healthy to be on a diet to increase muscle mass and to stick with a workout program because it's hard. Jonghyun was too depressed to be dedicated in fitness.
It's in June 2016, at the "She Is" comeback that you can notice how much he lost weight. His cheek bones are too prominent and his shoulders are not as large as they were before. Even his arms seemed smaller.

Look at this video and focus on Jonghyun:
When I saw this video, not only did I see Jonghyun but also the past and depressed version of me. When I was depressive I had the exact same behavior as Jonghyun. I had slow movements, I was super quiet and I seemed to be absent-minded. I couldn't do anything against that. My mind was too fucked up to make my body function properly. It was the same for Jonghyun and he was aware of that because in his last Instagram live with Korean Shawols he complained he felt lethargic.

Jonghyun had an intense fear of being rejected by others. He was scared to show his real personality, he was afraid of being judged as he told in "4 Things Show". Depression made him anxious. Jonghyun was scared of what people might think about him because some persons thought he was crying on stage for promotion or others dared to judge him for supporting LGBT community. When I was depressive I also thought people judged me, didn't appreciate me at all and I was scared of them.
The problem is that fear of being judged leads to low self-esteem, self-hatred and loneliness. The song "Elevator" is the perfect example of what Jonghyun might think about himself.

He might also had concentration problem and memory loss. He never talked about it but in his songs the word "memory" appears a lot. 
Feeling tearful too often and too much can be a sign of depression. But we all know Jonghyun was very sensitive so I can't deduce if he cried because of his emotions or his depression.

He was sad, could neither sleep nor eat, was anxious, lethargic. He might have other symptoms such as irritability, lack of motivation, inability of making decisions, loss of interest in hobbies, physical pains, etc...
He was not happy and he even said it to his mother and sister, one night when he  was drunk. He was rich and famous but his life was hell.

Concerning Jonghyun's suicidal ideation as I'm not in his mind, I can only make assumptions based on my own experience. Suicidal thoughts was the last symptom of the depression I had. I was at the climax of the disease when I started to think about suicide. In fact, I began to think about death rather than suicide. I was imagining my own death and it scared me a lot. Then, fear of dying began to dim and suicidal ideation came into my mind. I imagined myself jumping out off a window or a bridge, cutting my own wrists or swallowing drugs. At a moment, I chose a date and a way to kill myself. I failed to commit suicide.
Today I still don't know if I wanted to die. But I'm 100% sure I didn't want to feel this pathological sadness anymore. Neither did Jonghyun. Moreover he gave some hints that he wanted to kill himself: he gave a suicide note to a friend, his MV "Lonely" and some of his lyrics were about his depression with suicidal indirect references. Thus, I think he wanted to be helped and saved rather than dying.

We, Shawols, don't have to be angry against Jonghyun. His suicide is not his fault, it's the fault of depression.  Depression is the cancer of the soul and it kills people as a tumor does. 
We can't blame ourself either. Far away from Jonghyun and without knowing him personally, how could we save him ?
I don't think we can blame his family, friends or the SM. All of them are trapped in a system and a culture which don't care about mental health. 
I think we should blame the Korean government which doesn't allow a sufficient amount of money for promoting mental health and curing people who suffer from psychiatric diseases.

Personally, I feel guilty that I'm still alive while he is not. I feel guilty that I recovered from depression while Jonghyun didn't. I'm grateful my country offered me proper care but I feel bad that people from other parts of the world can't receive treatment as I could.

So, please, don't hesitate to see a doctor or even to go to hospital if you are pathologically sad. Meds will relieve psychological and physical symptoms such as pathological sadness. Counseling will help you to face with low self-esteem. It took me 7 months to recover but 2 weeks after starting my anti-depressant drugs, sadness went away ( and never came back ).

Please, don't let depression kill you. Everyone of us deserve to live a healthy and happy life. I'm sure Jonghyun wants his fans to be happy and not to commit suicide. 



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